Please Don't Lick My Face

Okay so I have been pretty open with y’all about my re-entry into the dating world after 20 years of doing nothing of the sort. It is completely like starting over again. But way scarier. So I make it my policy not to tell anyone’s name or show anyone’s face. I think it’s a fair way to go about it and it’s how I plan to continue to conduct my personal business going forward because some things just need to stay private, especially when another person is involved.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t tell y’all about some of the weird crap that happens from time to time, which not only serves as content for this blog (I mean what’s better than real life, right?) but it’s also a way to perhaps advise men on what NOT to do when attracted to, interested in or pursuing a woman.

Case in point: The Face Licker

This story takes place many months ago. He was athletic , accomplished, smart, successful and ambitious. Quite a list of adjectives, but all of them are fair. We had known each other for a while, but never in a romantic capacity. After staying in touch and then communicating a bit more, we decided it would be fun to get together and catch up over drinks and dinner. It wasn’t called a date, but I could feel what was going on. Too bad you can’t tell what kind of kisser someone is based on their fitness level, resume or accolades. But honey, I was about to learn.

By the time our not-calling-it-a-date-but-it-was-totally-a-date rolled around, I had tanned, plucked, sucked, lasered, round brushed and outfitted myself into the ultimate level of feminine fluffy-ness. With wine roadie in hand, I stepped into my Uber aesthetically more prepared than I had been for my freaking senior prom. That poor driver got to hear EVERY SINGLE ONE of my worries and anxieties about the evening ahead on the 48 minute trip. He was very sweet and built my confidence up a great deal. By the time we arrived at my destination I stepped out of the car feeling ready to be witty and charming and have a good time.

We met at a trendy bar in North Austin for cocktails. He looked good. I felt cute. The conversation flowed easily and catching up was fun. After a while we decided to head to a nearby restaurant for dinner. More chatting and laughing. We were clearly both having a good time. He asked for the check and I excused myself to the ladies room to powder my nose and make sure nothing weird was stuck in my teeth. I wasn’t prepping for a full blown make out session or anything, but I felt like a goodnight kiss was coming. We had known each other for a long time, the mood felt right and all signals pointed to a smooch.

We stepped outside talking about where we might go next, stopping at some nearby benches. It was a little awkward but mostly very sweet and in the middle of a sentence, a kiss just came along naturally. Not too much, just right. Yay! It was normal! It was good! And then it wasn’t. I’m not sure where things changed…but it happened in a blink. Maybe he felt like the first kiss meant the gates had been opened—I’m not sure—but the next thing I knew, his hands were in my hair and his very long, very wet, very…strong? tongue was sliding up the right side of my face from my jawline to my temple. Somewhere in between me thinking “what in the actual eff is happening here?” and “no, no, no, no absolutely not!” it also crossed my mind that my makeup which I had worked really hard on and looked really good that night was now being LICKED OFF OF MY FACE NOT BY AN ANIMAL BUT BY AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING. I made a quick plea for the earth to open up and swallow me, erasing me from this situation. No such luck. I was going to have to get to the other side of this lick and look this person in the face and say hold up buddy, I gotta go. Shit. A breathless moment (that seemed like an eternity) passed and he stopped to look at me for a quick second then his mouth opened, he started tilting my head and assumed the licking position AGAIN. Oh HELL naw! I grabbed his wrists which were attached to his hands which were holding my head and said “Slow down, take it easy” Literally one of the most awkward moments of my life. He kind of laughed and went back to a normal kiss but you know what they say…too little too late. And far too slobbery. If this was the pregame, no way was I sticking around for the main event. I might drown. I fumbled around for my phone to call an Uber while trying to say I had a great time and discreetly wipe the entire right side of my face. My mascara was probably running. The car arrived and he tucked me inside and said goodnight with a quick kiss on the cheek. The car door shut and I let out a sigh of relief that was probably heard round the world. If you felt the earth shake one night last spring for some unexplainable reason, let me assure you it was me in the back seat of that Uber driving home and getting the heebie effing jeebies after nearly having my face end up in a man’s mouth. Dear lord the trauma of it all is so real as I sit here writing this. (Shivers uncontrollably).

I can’t claim to speak for everyone but I think it’s pretty safe to say no woman wants her face licked. Like ever. So guys, if you’re thinking of getting wet and wild with some new mouth to mouth techniques, think again. Keep it simple. Keep it sweet. Keep it sexy. But DO NOT make it sloppy. I’m happy to report this incident did not keep me from going on further dates, though it very well could have. And I assure you while I keep on ticking, I will NOT take another licking. So gentlemen, act accordingly.

I would love to hear your dating disasters, facelicking and all! What’s the weirdest moment you’ve ever encountered on a date?