It's A Date

So I have said for a loooong time now I would never date.  Ever.  Done.  Forever.  I could not even wrap my brain around thinking about putting myself “out there.”  What does that even mean?  I watched colleagues use dating apps and my blood ran cold.  I would see men at restaurants or out and about look my way or start to approach and I would immediately stiffen and avoid eye contact.  Friends and acquaintances told me they had someone they wanted me to meet and I dodged the introduction.  I’d been invited out and found a reason to say no, that I wasn’t ready.  I’d see people holding hands on the street and I couldn’t imagine doing the same. The thought of meeting someone.  Going somewhere with them. Talking.  Going more places with them.  Trusting them.  Kissing them.  All the things.  I just decided I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it.  Too scary.  And I didn’t know how.  And...too scary.

Anyone who asked me got the same answer.  “So are you seeing anyone?”

“Nope and I never will.” 

People told me I should just have fun, but I was standing strong in my decision: Dating and I were never ever ever getting back together.

Like ever.

Then I decided even if I didn’t want to date, or didn’t THINK I wanted to date, that was fine. I didn’t have to.  But I DID have to quit speaking such negative energy around it.  That inner voice soundtrack thing is strong.  I had worked so hard to be positive about my life before, during and now after my divorce, how could I be so negative about dating and expect it to ever go right...IF it ever even happened?  (Notice how I’m using the word “if”—the further on the “other side” of my divorce I got, the more I wondered...IF...MAYBE, POSSIBLY there MIGHT be a day I would date? Hmmmm.  Time brings healing and clarity, you know?)  Still I wasn’t totally sure...but I WAS sure I couldn’t act so cold, abrupt and “final” about it.  This much I did know: I have no idea where life will take me but if someday it did involve a relationship I needed the gateway to be lined with light and levity, not the darkness and negativity I had been planting in my own head which was starting to get to me.   What was I so afraid of?  It was time to have an open mind and an open heart and just let it be whatever it might be.  I have a strong intuition and I needed to trust it:  if and when I was ready to go out with someone, I would know.  Right?  Right.

So Lord help me.

But my three girls.  What about them?  How would I explain it?  I hadn’t shared any of my thoughts with them.  Would they be ready when I didn’t even know if I was ready myself?  They had started to say things like, “Mom that guy is checking you out.”  Or “Mom you’re single and ready to mingle.” Or (insert eye roll), “Mom, you’re fit and you’re lit.”  (Where did they get this stuff?)  They would say it sweetly and often with a little giggle here and there, but it’s like they knew there was this other part of life that I could begin to step into again...even before I knew it. 

One night recently Campbell told me about my teenage niece’s summer internship where there was a boy interning as well—my niece said he “smelled amazing.”  I told the girls, “Watch out for those boys who smell amazing.  They’ll get you every time.”  (Ladies, am I right?)

Brynn asked if I knew any boys who smelled amazing.  And I immediately smiled and said I may have come across one recently. (Which of course happened the minute I started to change my thinking. Hey there universe...I see you working).  I couldn’t believe the words came out of my mouth.  Yikes.  Then she asked if I wanted to go on a date with him.  Double yikes.  And I said “Well, what would y’all think about Mommy going on a date? Because I’ve been invited and it’s someone I think I want to go with.”  Yikes on fleek.  Who even was I in this moment?  Their answers to my question could not have been more pleasantly surprising...or more honest, true, comforting and supportive.

LJ dove right in.

“Mom, I’m fine with it as long as you’re happy.  But I mean really happy.  Not just pretending to be happy because I can tell.  Happy for real.”  

LJ is the coolest girl I know and she has a BS radar like no other.  And apparently a much better one than me since I had obviously thrown down some false happy in front of her and she caught it.  I love that answer.  And it is THE guideline I am using as I go forward.  Does this make me happy?  Really happy?  Because there is no time to pretend.  I don’t even want to spend one hour at dinner pretending to be happy.  Being happy is being real.  That’s the bottom line in life and certainly in a relationship: happy for real. 

Lila Jane's advice: happy for real.

Campbell chimed in next.

“I’m fine with it as long as you don’t date anyone gross.”

Um excuse me?

“You know, like no thugs.”

Solid answer, Campbell.  I know I would never date a gross thug, but if my 12-year-old daughter needs that on the record from me, no problem.  After all, gross thugs can slither in wearing a suit and tie, they can hide behind nice eyes and dimples or lovely, well thought out words....so it’s important for me to be on my toes.  No gross thugs.  Fist bump, C.

Campbell says no gross thugs.  I can get behind that.

Brynn was last.

“I’m fine with it as long as if he’s ever rude to us, you believe us and not him.” Dang girl.  We don’t call you The Godfather around her for nothing. You know what’s up. And you are absolutely right.  I’ve got your back forever.

Brynn's advice: believe us.

Their answers were so insightful and so sweet.  And so GOOD.  In that moment these three little ladies who I get to raise were raising me, giving me their feelings and their permission to go forward to a place that might lead to love, but also they were giving me a strong anchor in how to do it and what to keep close to my heart: True happiness,  no gross thugs, and be loyal to them in the process.  Perfect rules to live by from the mouths of my babes.  It’s moments like these that give me confirmation I’m doing at least something right.

Who knew these little nuggets would turn out to be so wise beyond their years? Swoon.

Since we talked there have been dates, and more specifically, dates with a “boy who smells amazing.”  That’s all I’ll say about it because I want my private life to stay private.  But the combination of giving myself permission to spend time with someone who captivates me and to walk into it with my girls’ love and blessings makes me feel like it’s not nearly as scary as I made it out to be.  It’s actually really good.  It might even turn out to be amazing.